3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
somebody come look at this
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Owl Sanctuary
