3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Comparing yourself to others
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
