3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
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Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
called in thicc to work this morning
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?