Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

i prefer mine room temperature.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no