Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

Bobby pin

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.