3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
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Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.