3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
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it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
May your day taste like creamy soup.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*