@daddydoubts

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

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@girl_a_whirl

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

@ryanbroems

*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*

@GrantTanaka

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

@MikeDrucker

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

@Reverend_Scott

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@pattymo

Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!