3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
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How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.