Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
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Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
*sees McChicken video*
*goes back to church*
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Life is a suicide mission.
Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!