Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

This is a true ally.

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Priorities

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.