3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
