Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

everyone has that one prude friend

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

ㅤ

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…