Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐