3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

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*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”


some of y’all never wrote “sorry” on the bottom of ur high school math test and it shows


McDonalds can’t extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.


(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*


Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.


I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!


Him: you’re so beautiful. The moment you smiled at me,u had me
Me: that’s really sweet
Me in my head: I have a piece of my poo in my purse