@daddydoubts

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

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@sfreeze6

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

@GrillinChillin9

Beer before liquor, never sicker.

Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

Mexican food before wine, no 69.

@PhilJamesson

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

@Reverend_Scott

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

@iamjohnsarris

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

@HatfieldAnne

If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.

@rickygervais

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

@Douchekevin

Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.

Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic