*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
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her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.