@daddydoubts

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

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@Owl_Meat

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

@UnFitz

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

@Ellierocks2013

Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..

@murrman5

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

@isabelzawtun

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

@Fickle_Filly

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

@leechee420

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.