“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
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Beer before liquor, never sicker.
Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.
Mexican food before wine, no 69.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
[opens hawk cage]
RELEASE THE BEES
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.
Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic