3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

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“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.


Beer before liquor, never sicker.

Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

Mexican food before wine, no 69.


person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen


teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]


I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.


If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.


RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.


Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.

Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic