Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

you could not pay me to delete this app

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

#titanic

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?