3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
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First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?