Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

I don’t hate you, but I hope you run out of hot water before you’re finished your shower

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

*orders delivery*

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

Life hack

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*