3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
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First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
lmao
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.