3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
You Might Also Like
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”