3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein