@aotakeo

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

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@UncleDuke1969

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

@thedad

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

@themorris23

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

@Introvert_Dad

*wife puts down dinner plate*

*single pea rolls off plate*

Me: oh no we have an esca-pea

Wife:

Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny

@realHamOnWry

Don’t let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.

@TupacShakurLC

Today in 1993, Tupac shot 2 off-duty police officers in Atlanta when he saw them harassing a black man. All charges were later dropped because they were drunk and in possession of stolen guns they took from an evidence room.

@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

@MatCro

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*