3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
*ernest hemingway voice*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.