He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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I’m bringing sexy backward.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
*wife puts down dinner plate*
*single pea rolls off plate*
Me: oh no we have an esca-pea
Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny
Don’t let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.
Today in 1993, Tupac shot 2 off-duty police officers in Atlanta when he saw them harassing a black man. All charges were later dropped because they were drunk and in possession of stolen guns they took from an evidence room.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.