3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.