Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.