Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Yeah. This was me today.

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?