Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole