Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We will use anything but the metric system

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor