Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

I think this cat is broken

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

A recipe for laughter

Friends that check up on you >

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]