Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles