3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 馃槧 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 馃槫 ENGLAND 馃槫
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I鈥檓 going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
