3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 馃槧 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 馃槫 ENGLAND 馃槫
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven鈥檛 bathed in weeks
them: again鈥his is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there鈥檚 no way for me to bring it up.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I鈥檓 going to need another excuse for why I鈥檓 not having sex.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I鈥檓 supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn鈥檛 take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
If you鈥檙e wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it鈥檚 because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
i hope i didn鈥檛 end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
