3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
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Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Well, that didn’t work.
The photographer’s assistant
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO