3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
You Might Also Like
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Does this dress make me look cat?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits