3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
#IWishIHadNever noticed
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
