3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
