Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.