3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
You Might Also Like
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Bruh PLEASE
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
nobody’s gonna understand
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.