Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.