Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

At an art museum and I thought this was art

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

Best spoiler warning ever

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.