3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
They’re not wrong
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”