3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.



3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

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A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.


Gandalf chuckled to himself as the boat left shore. “I just noticed,” he whispered, “your name sounds like Dildo” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks


why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta


In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.


This one goes out to all the girls of Generation X who pretended to like Slipknot for some dude who broke up with them anyway.


Cons of being on The Walking Dead: Almost everyone you know is dead & the world is a desolate zombie wasteland

Pros: No more Adobe updates!


If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.


“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.


“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”


Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge