3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
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Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest