3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
