3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Never deleting this app.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
