They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Woke up against my better judgment again
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.