Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

broke down and did it

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.