3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
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My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
the simulation is moving too fast
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth