Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

technically true but not a great slogan

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people