3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
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I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.