Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Writing, She Murdered.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.