Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

The legends speak of a third Duran…

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

Somebody’s lying.

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.