Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.