Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

you’re so productive for your wage

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable