Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

For cardio I live beyond my means.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with