3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing