Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

I know a bad idea when I see one.

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?