Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.