3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
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me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin