3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
