3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
