@novicefather

3yo: what are you eating?
me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables

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@Fickle_Filly

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

@818Newbie

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

@robdelaney

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

@IamJackBoot

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

@bsnc64

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

@BigOlBossman

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

@I_Bl33d_Purple

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

@NoTheOtherJohn

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

@KentWGraham

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

@GashleyMadison

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.