3yo: what are you eating?
me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables

You Might Also Like


You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.


What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.


My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁


The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.


“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”


WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…


No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.


PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?


Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.


I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.