Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.