I’ll have a Venti Vodka please.
3yo: what are you eating?
me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables
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“Will someone please just help me open this window? I need to smoke!”
Me, drunk on the airplane
“I am not a human garbage disposal”
*eats leftover mac n cheese anyway*
*makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.