*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
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The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student