Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING