Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

🐕🍷

? 💀

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*