Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

Bike is short for Bichael.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.