3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
You Might Also Like
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
This is hilarious
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Don’t touch that.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers