3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
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When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped