3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
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In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
welp
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”