3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?