3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
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[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…