Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.