Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

The chart results are in…

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow