Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thursday

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

it’s not been my year

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.