3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
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I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
The chart results are in…
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow